2 POPES 4 NON BLONDES

Brigid Ronan

Characters
POPE
AIDE 1 – Perm
AIDE 2 – Temp-to-Perm
ANTHONY HOPKINS – Jonathan Pryce

Setting
Vatican etc.

One act, no intermission
Run Time – 4 hours, 58 minutes

1

Vesper. The Vatican. Pope eyes portrait (of the Pope). Aides 1 & 2 pander.

POPE: I am the Pope.

AIDE 1: That is correct.

Aide 2 nods.

–
2

As above. Later.

POPE: Who among us can be called Pope?

AIDE 1: Only you, Holy Father.

POPE: (Playful) Don’t I know it…

AIDE 2: Yes.

–
3

As above. Late.

POPE: (Raps portrait) Knock knock.

AIDES 1 & 2: Who’s there?

POPE: It’s me.

Pause.

The Pope.

–
4

As above. Dawn. Aide 2 looks bushed.

POPE: Knock knock.

AIDE 1: Who’s there?

Silence. Aide 1 prods Aide 2.

AIDE 2: Who’s there?

POPE: It’s me.

Pause.

The Pope.

–
5

Aides’ quarters. Training session.

AIDE 1: No plum. Plum: no.

Aide 2 highlights in training manual.

–
6

Aides stand outside powder room door. No sign of Pope.

AIDE 1: I am the Pope.

Behind door Pope can be heard screaming/laughing.

AIDE 1: (To Aide 2) Tuesdays we do opposite day. Only ’til noon or he’ll start to lash out.

–
7

Time for a game of telephone. Pope and Aides sit facing audience.
Pope blinks for a beat and whispers to Aide 1, who whispers to Aide 2. Aide 2 digests.

AIDE 2: Aye ma’am, the rope?

POPE: (Pinches/pokes Aide 1) Pinch poke you owe me, the Pope.

He is the Pope.

–
8

Aides’ quarters. Review session.

AIDE 2: Hallowed Patriarch?

AIDE 1: Approved.

AIDE 2: Holy Papa.

AIDE 1: Too casual.

AIDE 2: Holy Pop.

AIDE 1: Too Midwest.

AIDE 2: Sacred Dada.

AIDE 1: Too Dada.

AIDE 2: Blest Daddy.

AIDE 1: Banned. Vatican II.

AIDE 2: Sublime Dad.

AIDE 1: Approved for Summer Fridays.

AIDE 2: Pious Father.

AIDE 1: (Marks training rubric) Better. Tomorrow we’ll brush up on our formals. Beatus Pater, etc. We need you ready for the Epiphany.

–
9

Dawn. Aides’ quarters. Aide 1 sleeps soundly in twin XL.
Aide 2 curls in trundle, studying.
Almost time for work.

AIDE 1: (Bolt upright) Pope alert!

Enter Pope stage left.

–
10

Aide 1 trains Aide 2 on Vatican receptionist duties.

AIDE 1: (Fingering landline) You’ll find these extensions on the car phone too. Expect a trickle of Jesuits, marzipan vendors. The silent prank calls are actually monks. Those are coming from inside the Vatican. Take a detailed message and I’ll liaise. Screen all callers—Except for Sir Anthony. Always put Hopkins through to the Pope.

Pause. Then sinister.

Pryce we block, given the pontiff TIFF tiff.

AIDE 2: Pontiff TIFF tiff?

AIDE 1: Pontiff TIFF tiff. The tiff that tore apart Sirs Hopkins and Pryce at the Toronto International Film Festival when The Two Popes lost top billing to a competing opening night screening. Stunning upset. Hopkins and our Pope had, of course, executive produced.

AIDE 2: And the competing film?

AIDE 1: The Two Popes 3D. Pryce’s camp.

AIDE 2: Ooh, added dimension.

AIDE 1: Extra dimension gave them the edge.

–
11

Aides prostrate before Pope. Landline rings.
Aide 1 rises to answer it. Aide 2 shadows.

AIDE 1: Hello you’ve reached the Pope’s.

VOICE OF ANTHONY HOPKINS (VO Jonathan Pryce): Hello may I speak to the Pope?

AIDE 1: (Turns to Pope) It’s for you.

–
12

Popemobile. Popeyes drive-thru, Vatican City.
Aide 1 drives, Aide 2 shotgun, Pope rear bucket.

POPEYES INTERCOM: …and can I get a name for the order?

AIDE 1: Pope yes.

Pause. Then louder.

Pope yes.

POPEYES: I need a name for the order.

AIDE 2: yes

AIDE 1: Pope

AIDE 2: yes

POPEYES: Can I—

AIDE 1: (Enunciating) P o p e y e s

–
13

Popemobile. Popeyes parking.

Pope makes hungry eyes. Pope tucks into Lamb.

–
14

Movie night.
Aide 1 holds clipboard, Blu-ray copy of The Two Popes.

AIDE 1: Let’s take roll. (Refers to clipboard) Perm Aide? (Scans room, then marks with pencil.) That’s me. Temp-to-perm Aide?

Aide 2 raises hand. Aide 1 marks with pencil.

AIDE 1: Pope?

POPE: (In pj’s) Present.

–
15

Post-movie. Powder room. Aides hover over Pope.
They’ve been here awhile.
Aide 1 stretches landline, which is set to speakerphone.

VOICE OF ANTHONY HOPKINS (VO Jonathan Pryce): I’ll say it again since we’ve been here awhile: It’s only a movie. Critics called it frolicsome, well acted. Some structural issues.

AIDE 2: Wasn’t it based on a pl—

HOPKINS (Pryce): (Interrupting) Don’t care!

AIDE 1: (Crooning, to Pope) There are bishops, there are archbishops, plus the laypeople who have no clue…

HOPKINS: (Chiming in) …but Christ knows there can only be the One Pope. And that One is… you.

AIDE 1: (Helpful) It’s definitely you.

AIDE 2: (Parroting) —finitely you.

HOPKINS: We are so clear on this.

POPE: (Catches self in mirror) Pope, yes.

–
16

Dawn. Aides’ quarters. Aide 1 sleeps.
Fried Aide 2 begins to nod off on trundle. Bottle of melatonin beside it.
Almost time for work.

AIDE 1: (Bolt upright) Pope alert!

Enter Pope stage left.

–
17

Breakfast. Aide 1 uses tongs to sort tub of marzipan fruits. Aide 2 shadows.
Pope pouts at banana, honeydew, kiwi shapes.

AIDE 1: (Aside to Aide 2) Let him root around for a bit. He’s looking for stone fruit. Try nectarine or cherry if he won’t keep the melons down. We keep pluots in the pantry—emergencies only.

AIDE 2: (Reads from training manual) All pray and no plum makes Pope a tad coy…

AIDE 1: All pray and no plum earns Pope a decoy.

AIDE 2: …Pluots.

AIDE 1: Interspecific plums. Closest we can get to the pure thing.

–
18

Pope wields axe outside pantry door.
Aides cower within, a technicolor glut of marzipan pluots shelved above them.
Pope makes quick work of door with special thanks to this axe.
Aide 2 sweats conspicuously, the training manual just out of reach.

POPE: (Through remaining shards of door) Here’s Jonathan!

AIDE 1: (Pragmatic, to Aide 2) That’s actually the Pope.

–
19

Epiphany dress rehearsal.
Aide 2 incants in broken Latin.
Pope slips a couple marzipan hosts in with the standard whole wheats.

AIDE 2: (Ragged) …et…Beatus Pater…

Aide 1 nods.

AIDE 2: (Unwell) …et nos…Daddy…

Aide 1 presses soft-button beneath Tabernacle. Guards approach.

–
20

Dawn. Aides’ quarters. Aide 1 sleeps. Aide 2 studies.
Aide 2’s trundle has been stripped of pillow and top sheet. Cotton fitted sheet replaced with lower thread count. Bottle of Xanax beside it.
Almost time for work.

AIDE 1: (Bolt upright) Pope alert!

Enter Pope stage left.

–
21

Aide 2 places phone order with bakery. Aide 1 supervises.

AIDE 2: (To bakery) …let’s go with plum for the piping and lemon curd for the crucifix.

AIDE 1: (Aghast) N—No plum!

AIDE 2: (To bakery) Please hold. (To Aide 1) Pardon?

AIDE 1: No plum.

AIDE 2: No plum?

AIDE 1: No.

Pause.

AIDE 2: Pope said plum.

AIDE 1: NO PLUM! (Wild, panting) Plum pits Pope in the past place.

AIDE 2: (Pensive) No… plum. Plum: No. (Business-like, to bakery) No plum. (To Aide 1) How ’bout prune?

AIDE 1: Prune’s old plum.

Pause. Then harsher.

This is Day One stuff.

AIDE 2: (Trailing off, exhausted) Sorry, I haven’t slept, I

AIDE 1: Look, you’re burned out. (Softly, almost imperceptibly) Try prune. It helps. Not around the Pope. As for the cake—

AIDE 2: Pear?

AIDE 1: Better peach.

AIDE 2: Oh, peach. (To bakery) No, no plum. Peach.

Pause.

Personalized?

AIDE 1: Please.

AIDE 2: (Covers receiver, mouths to Aide 1) They need us to confirm the spelling.

AIDE 1: P-O-P-E.

AIDE 2: (To bakery) P-O-P-E.

–
22

Time for a game of Duck, Duck, Pope.
Aides sit cross-legged facing each other. Pope circles Aides, rapping their heads by turn.

POPE: Duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… duck…

Suspense builds as Pope slows the count.

POPE: duck… duck… duck…… duck…… duck…… duck…………

Suspense continues to build.

POPE: duck…………… duck……………………… duck………………………………

Builds (suspense).

POPE: …………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………….duck……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

( ” )

POPE: ………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Pause. Pope tags Pope.

POPE: POPE!

Pope tears helter-skelter across stage, howling with delight. Aides remain seated, eyes averted.

For the next 11 minutes Pope explores space and body’s relationship to space. Time passes. Pope tries bear walk (hard). Time does not relent. Pope tries crab-walk (harder). Time, time. Pope gnashes teeth in ecstasy. Absolute time. No such thing. Tick, tock. Time to get a—watch your back!—Pope behind you. Was behind you. The Pope has slipped into the audience and actually cannot be found for quite some… time. Not an intermission. There is no intermission. Look—on the Mezzanine—POPE! Now there! Pope on the catwalk! Pope in the rigging! Oh! Look! Pope in the partial views! What a sneaky Pope!

When completely tuckered out, Pope returns to starting position and resumes counting. Game repeats. Several audience members are asked to join as ducks. Game repeats. Bar doors. Game repeats. Nice, big audience. Sitting. Ducks. The audience: The ducks.
Game repeats. Duck… duck…

Allocate 3 hrs 52 min to scene.

–
23

Lunch. Aides have coaxed Pope off the rigging with stash of pluots. Aide 2 consults training manual. Aide 1 imitates propeller plane landing pluot on Pope’s tongue.

POPE: (Mouth full, garbled) plumpy

AIDE 1: (Soothing) Just like plum.

AIDE 2: (Breaks from manual) Or Plumpy from Candy Land.

AIDE 1: What.

AIDE 2: Plumpy the Plum troll. He tends the gingerbread plum tree orchard.

AIDE 1: Plumpy doesn’t exist.

AIDE 2: Well they discontinued Plumpy on the ’02 boards. (Brightens) Mine was an ’84 edition, Plumpy’s card always dragging us back toward square one. Technically a bummer but I never minded a visit to Plumpy, his kind eyes, his forgiving trees, I see him now in my mi—

AIDE 1: (Interrupting) Don’t care!

Silence. Aide 2 returns to training manual, experiencing Shame.
Long pause. Aide 1 reaches for mobile phone, experiencing Guilt.

AIDE 1: Hey. Care to tour my dream cathedral?

Aide 2 leans toward mobile phone, experiencing Temptation.
Aide 1 pulls up Pinterest.
Aide 2 ogles Aide 1’s dream cathedral.
They do not notice Pope pussyfooting toward pantry.

AIDE 1: (Scrolling) Here is the church.

AIDE 2: (Salivating) Ooh.

AIDE 1: Here is the steeple. (Zooms in) Open the doors and—

AIDE 2: (Suddenly alert) Where is the Pope?

–

24

Aides fret outside pantry door, testing spare keys.

POPE: (From within) Knock knock.

AIDES 1 & 2: (Frantic) Who’s there?

Silence.

–
25

Aides finally jimmy open pantry door. Bad news. Pantry Popeless. In a dark corner, behind stores of Necco Wafers utilized for mock Communion, their phone light flares up on a ravaged canister of Sun-Maid prunes.

AIDES 1 & 2: POPE!

BLACKOUT.

AIDES: (A whispered intercession which intensifies to utter din)
Oh Saint Anthony please come around the Pope is lost and must be found!
Oh Saint Anthony please come around the Pope is lost and must be found!
Oh Saint Anthony please come around the Pope is lost and must be found!
Oh Saint Anthony please come around the Pope is lost and must be found!

–
26

The Past Place. Stage bare.

AIDE 1: Here we are in the Past Place.

AIDE 2: Oh my God.

–
51

Present. All back to Vatican.
Pope totes California Raisins lunch box, thermos.

AIDE 1: We’ve returned from the Past Place.

AIDE 2: Oh my GOD.

–
52

Vesper. The Vatican. Aides assess Pope.
Pope flicks at lunch box latches. Stuck.

AIDE 1: (To Pope) Try again. “I am the Pope.”

Pope tugs latches. Still stuck.

AIDE 1: Pope.

Pope pauses lunch box trial and surveys stage, considering Aide 1, Aide 2, and the self.

POPE: …people…

AIDE 1: No, no—El Pope. Or Le Pope.

POPE: …people…

AIDE 1: Le Pope. You have it scrambled.

POPE: …people…

AIDE 1: (Gestures to space) Vatican.

POPE: …vain cat…

AIDE 1: Bishop.

POPE: …his bop…

AIDE 1: Layperson

POPE: …snore play…

AIDE 1: Cardinal

POPE: …dial narc…

AIDE 1: Confession

POPE: …scone of sin…

AIDE 1: (Alarmed, to Aide 2) Get Hopkins on the line.

AIDE 2: (Dials, waits a beat) Hello may I speak to Sir Anthony?

Aide 2 cues speakerphone.

AIDE 1: (Urgent, to Hopkins) We’re losing Pope, Sir. His anagrams are leaking.

VOICE OF ANTHONY HOPKINS (VO Jonathan Pryce): The trick to summoning Pope hides in plain sight, in these very lines.

Pope pries again at lunch box. Fails. Sniffs thermos.

AIDE 1: Guide us, Sir.

HOPKINS: Easy. Think: Simplicity. Skim Marcus Aurelius. Of each singular Pope ask: who is he in himself?

Aides eye Pope, who swigs from thermos. Prune juice. Sun-Maid. Prune’s old plum.

HOPKINS: What is his essence?

POPE: (Raps on lunch box) Knock knock.

HOPKINS: What is his role, this man you chase?

Aides eye portrait (of the Pope).
Aide 1, overcome with reverence, moves toward it.
Pope, fed up with lunch box, follows Aides’ sightlines to the portrait.

POPE: (Points to portrait, no recognition) Who’s there?

HOPKINS: (Echo effect) He hides in plain sight, in these very lines.

Aide 1 strokes portrait, the acrylic pontiff, his papal mitre, papal jawline…

HOPKINS: Find him.

POPE: (Again, pointing) Who’s there?

AIDE 1: (Experiencing the Epiphany) It’s… me. (Pause.) The Pope. I am… the Pope.

HOPKINS: Pope… yes…

Pope finally pries open lunch box. Out flies a training manual.

AIDE 1: (Breathy) Who among us can be called Pope?

POPE: (Slowly, reading from training manual) Only… you… Holy Father.

HOPKINS: Pope yes!

AIDE 1: I am the Pope.

POPE: (Reads manual) That is correct.

Aide 2 sobs.

–
53

Aides’ quarters. Aide 1 (formerly Pope) sleeps.
Aide 2 lays prone on trundle. Bottle of Valium beside it.
Almost time for work.

AIDE 1: (Bolt upright) Pope alert!

Enter Pope (formerly Aide 1) stage left.

–
54

Aide 2’s mid-year review. Aide 1 (formerly Pope) presides.
Pope portrait upstage. The left eye, so lifelike. As if the painted eye has been cut away and

AIDE 1: You’re beginning to gain clarity on which one of us is Pope.

Pause. Aide 2 panics.

But we need to be sure…

Aide 1 cues powerpoint slide featuring three images:

              1. Selfie of Aide 1 (Pope) and Pope (Aide 1) at knighting ceremony for Sir Anthony Hopkins (Sir Jonathan Pryce).

              2. Grainy, low-lit photo of Aide 2 prone on trundle.

              3. Movie still from The Two Popes depicting Sirs Hopkins (Pryce) and Pryce (Hopkins) gently ribbing one another.

AIDE 1: Who is the Pope?

Aide 2 squints at images. Shallow breathing. Long pause.

AIDE 2: (Points at uncredited extra (minor deacon) in background of The Two Popes) That one.

AIDE 1: (Winces, marks rubric) …I see.

Aide 2 crumples.

AIDE 1: Look, you’re burned out. (Softly, almost imperceptibly) Try prune. It helps. Not around the Pope.

AIDE 2: (Desperate, flailing, but quietly) What did Pope mean by “people”?

AIDE 1: No. Le Pope. Or El Pope. “People” lacks order/space.

Upstage, a thump. The Aides pivot.
A pluot has fallen through the portrait’s cut-out eye socket. Looks lush. It rolls toward them.

Pause.

AIDE 2: I think there is a problem with the pluots.

AIDE 1: Well you never exactly did anything about it. Sort of just stood by. To your good health, though, believe me.

AIDE 2: (Timid) Speaking of health have you gotten any updates on when my benefits kick i—

AIDE 1: (Interrupting) Don’t care!

–
55

Time for a game of Red Rover.
Aides stand side by side, arms outstretched, hands clasped, facing Pope.

AIDES 1 & 2: Red Rover, Red Rover, let our Pope come over!

Pope dashes wildly at Aides, plowing into Aide 2. Aide 2 cries out. Aide 1 is fine. Aide 1 and Pope quick-stretch and assume their Red Rover stances. Pause. Aide 2 whimpers. Pope glowers. Aide 1 pulls Aide 2 back to starting position. Game repeats.

–
56

Aides’ quarters. Aide 2 nurses Red Rover arm.

AIDE 1: (Slurping body shot of prune juice off a campus minister’s midriff) Try prune. It helps. Not around the Pope.

–
57

Powder room. Aide 2 leans toward mirror unpeeling a Bioré blackhead remover strip.
Bioré box rustles. Pause.
Aide 2 picks up box and inspects it.

A whisper emits from the box.

…Blessed are the pores… the box whispers.

The tip of a pointy, off-white hat rises slowly in reflective periphery, startling Aide 2, who plunges into mirror, which shatters.

AIDE 2: POPE!

–
58

Aide 2 prostrates before Pope.
Aide 1 dances the Charleston, nude arms quilted with 14mg Sun-MaidDerm prune patches (extended release).

Landline rings. Aide 2 rises to answer it.

AIDE 2: (Husk) Hello you’ve reached the Pope’s.

VOICE OF ANTHONY HOPKINS (VO Jonathan Pryce): You still lay awake on that trundle, don’t you? Lay awake on the trundle and hear the screaming of the—

AIDE 1: (Shimmy-kick, kick-step-kick, quick-salutes Aide 2) It’s for you.

–
59

Pope wields axe outside refurbished pantry door.
Aides cower within, a technicolor glut of marzipan pluots shelved above them.
Pope makes quick work of door with special thanks to this axe. 

AIDE 2: (Keening) I feel like we did this one.

POPE: (Through remaining shards of door) Here’s Jonathan!

AIDE 1: (To Aide 2) That’s actually the Pope.

–
60

Aide 2 stares out window of Aides’ quarters, listless.

AIDE 1: (Doing the worm, wears cassock of stitched together Sun-Maid skins) Try prune. It helps. Not around the Pope.

–
61

Popeyes drive-thru. Aide 2 picks up order on Vatican Citi Bike.

POPEYES INTERCOM: Well, Clarice—

AIDE 2: (Screams) WHAT IS HAPPENING?

–
62

Dawn. Aides’ quarters. Aide 1 sleeps.
Aide 2’s trundle somehow smaller than in previous iterations. Aide 2 inhales deeply. Low thread count cotton fitted sheet has been replaced with polyester. Toxic. 7oz bag of Sun-Maids beside it.
Almost time for work.

Trundle begins to vibrate, rock, then fully seesaw, its screws/nuts (IKEA) strained to their max (low). From beneath the trundle slides a sub-trundle.

AIDE 2: POPE!

–
63

Sky. Shepherd One circles midwestern U.S. in holding pattern.
Pope peruses Prada lookbook (Pre-Fall). Aides pray.

POPE: (Distracted, circling a python capelet) …Saints John and Paul…

AIDES 1 & 2: Pray for us!

POPE: (Dog-earing page) …From thy wrath…

AIDE 2: (Pleading) Deliver us!

Deep in Prada, Pope presents 50ml airplane chalice to Aides. Aide 2 drinks of it. Bad timing—Slight turbulence—Wrong pipe—Aide 2 begins to cough. Pope looks up from lookbook. Aide 2 hacks. Pope plucks up the intercom. Aide 2 gasps for medical attention.

POPE: (Puckish, over the PA) Is there a Pope on board?

AIDE 1: (Looks at Pope) I’m looking at him.

The Pope smiles.

–
64

Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois. Lobby.
Marquee reads: “Anthony Hopkins is ‘The Father’… On Ice”
Aide 1 juggles kettle corn, cotton candy, and LED ‘The Father’ bubble wand for Pope.

A persistent chill in the Allstate air portends a savage frost.

Never mind. That’s simply the ice. The ice beneath The Father.

From within the Arena, snatches of a low, inexorable roar.

Fa-ther—Fa-ther—Fa-ther.

The roar swells as Hopkins’ (Pryce’s) skates slice across the glassy mise en scène.

Outside, a squad of paramedics ready their kits. They’ve been briefed on the daddies.

At the curb, a father figure (forties) crouches, weeping into his bandaged forearm. We sense fresh ink. ‘I don’t know how I got here,’ the pop weeps. ‘My life, my very life.’ No one tends to him. Beneath the bandage, a sumptuously rendered likeness of Pryce as Hopkins as The Father, on ice. It’s beautiful, tender. Inflamed. ‘I don’t know how I got here.’ Neither do we, Kyle.

Inside, dads galore. Dads in denim. Dads in trousers.

Fa-ther—Fa-ther.

The roar crescendos. Several dozen dads rush the ice.

No sign of Aide 2.

–
65

Return to Vatican. Lap pool. “What’s Up?” (4 Non Blondes) radiates from speakers.

Aide 1 drags noodle mounted by Pope.

Music pauses. Loudspeaker announcement.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention in the pool area. It is now ten to the hour and time for Pope Swim. Please clear the water you among us who cannot be called Pope.

Silence. Aide 1 paddles to pool wall and hoists up to the ledge.

Music resumes. “What’s Up” (Dance mix, DJ Miko) radiates from speakers.

For the next ten minutes, Aide 1 stands at attention as Pope wets head to emulate George Washington hair and engages in general water play.

GAME REPEATS

Please note, this piece paraphrases language from the following works:

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) – Screenplay by Ted Tally, adapted from Thomas Harris’s novel The Silence of the Lambs

The Shining (1980) – Screenplay by Stanley Kubrick and Diane Johnson, adapted from Stephen King’s novel The Shining; “Here’s Johnny!” line improvised by Jack Nicholson